Face it

Jacob Zuma, or JZ as he is affectionately known as, is free. After a pesky rape trial from which he emerged unscathed and smelling not only of roses but of Palmolive soap too - due to a lengthy ruminative shower – he is off the hook once more. This time JZ used Nivea’s Pampering Shower Oil which makes even the most open-and-shut cases glide right off you. Now he’s on an undeclared crusade to become the next president of South Africa. But how can he? He’s just so ugly! Usually I’m all about manifestos and policies and letting the best man win, but this time I have to put my foot down. Jacob Zuma is too ugly to be president. His head is shaped like a squashed sack of mielie meal with a smooth, prominent forehead like an alien’s. I figure the doctor may have used braai tongs to pull him out at birth instead of the customary forceps, explaining the squished elongated skull. Then there are the eyes – beady and purple each surrounded by two sphincters that appear to control the amount of light let in. The left sphincter can occasionally be seen mouthing the words to Awuleth' umshini Wam' – Zuma’s trademark song. His flattened mushroom nose and wide thin mouth lend him a feline quality. But he is no lion, merely a puss in boots with an entourage. Please don’t vote for him.