Very Marked

I suppose this rant is a delayed reaction to a mishappen childhood, in part lost to hours of mid-morning infomercials. Isabelle Jones was like a second mother to me. She would teach me to cook and clean and re-upholster in a flash – things one scarcely picked up from Kideo any more. And even at 8, I was beginning to watch my figure. Celebrity trainers such as [Insert Name] proved that contraptions like the Orbitrex, Abflex and other ‘exes’ could tone, strengthen and save money all at the same time. But my faith in all things good was further fortified when the Verimark scientists invented Bioslim. This natural product (endorsed by the National Hoodia Grower’s Association) nullified the bulky moving parts one once needed in order to shape up. ‘Fat-trapping, Fat-burning and Feel-better’ were the sentiments echoed by the after pictures of a month’s course of Bioslim. Together with Thigh Crème and the Electro-convulsive Muscle Contractor (whose brand name has slipped my mind), one could ‘work out’ on the couch in the company of the very gurus who had guided your journey to the new you. And now that you’re on your way, you’ll need to spray on some new hair, Microsteam some shrimp and don an invisible bra, for you have a date tonight.