Noise Monitor

Shushing the unshushables is a tough job. Betsy Ndlovu has been zipping it for almost 4 years as the noise monitor of a luxury day spa and hospital in Johannesburg. She can handle anything from whispering to dripping taps, echoes and even the occasional ‘voice in one’s head’ which tend to frequent the minds and corridors of patients in Ward C. In this hospital with all its DSTV channel bouquets, flower bouquets and bridal bouquets, Betsy is the law. “Frankly I don’t care for all this schmanciness”, admits Betsy. “If you’re going to be sick, you had better do it quietly”. Betsy detests visiting hours. “All this commiserating, boo-hooing and feelbettering – it just makes noise”. Betsy laments that a single emotional embrace between a patient and a visiting relative can reach the same decibel level as a vacuum cleaner. She produces the noise meter from one of her invisible inner pockets. “Noise monitoring is not an exact science”, explains Betsy. “There’s still a lot we don’t know.” Betsy takes me down a random corridor hunting for noisemakers or ‘busybodies’ as she calls them. “In the old days we used to carry nightsticks and soft rope for gagging, but now a verbal reprimand and a Lindt chocolate suffices”, Betsy sighs wistfully. We journey fourth into the rectangular unknown, creaking in near-perfect silence.