A Magical Outing

While I’m sure the memories of Ms Frizzle and her supernatural school-bus are dear to us all, I am referring rather to the posthumous outing of Albus Dumbledore by JK Rowling. The information was revealed to fans at New York’s Carnegie Hall on Saturday. “Dumbledore is gay”, announced Rowling to a momentarily petrified audience. She then went on to explain how he was in love with his evil rival Gellert Grindelwald. Unfortunately Grindelwald, a former Durmstrang-expellee, was interested in little else but nasty things once he had acquired the famed Elder Wand. Dumbledore’s love had gone unrequited – stifled somewhere into his (in retrospect) camp beard. But it wasn’t always like that. Albus and Gellert were meant to be great together – well at least good. Dumbledore no doubt had visions of them skipping through Hogsmead gowns billowing in the air, overcome by butterbeer and fire whiskey, tearing behind his designer half-moon spectacles. Albus learned to forget such feelings. He soon discovered that nothing helps repress occult sexuality quite like a good old fashioned male wand-romp, one in which he would acquired the Elder Wand, banishing Grindelwald to the Nurmengard prison.

Of course it all makes sense now. In our limited necromancy we realize that not only was Dumbledore a homosexual, but he was flaming. He never had a relationship with another woman, he wore a lot of purple (note the luster of the fabric) and his only companion was a bird (also flaming). I just wish he had come out in one of the books. Perhaps Harry plus guests weren’t quite ready to hear it. Sure we can handle Hippogriffs, Snidgets, Bowtruckles and Minotaurs, but what about gays? Do you know any spells?